A Festivus Miracle

This is the time of the holiday year when you should be, in fact, the most grateful for your family and even more thankful for their presence. However for Simon Furter, he hated his family. We hate to be that blunt to the audience, yet we love it. Simon’s family (what’s left of it) are a melodramatic, quick-tempered, eccentric group of people. He has been away for two years, and has just decided to return home after much continuous nagging from his mother.

    Before we delve any deeper, let us properly introduce the Furter family. Simon Furter is a college student studying psychology, and is known as a busy bee among his many friends. Frank Furter is Simon’s father. He is known to have social issues, eccentric tendencies, and loves to cook. Fig Furter, Simon’s mother, gets her thrills off by constantly questioning her only son, never laughing, and the occasional game of Mahjong. Cherry Silvie is Fig’s half-sister, and we do not know much on this one. Well according to these documents they file her as ‘indescribable’. Nonetheless, we think she most likely has substance abuse problems. She is also a very talented pole dancer; which, will come handy later within the story. We would also just like to mention that these people have been especially screened and tested for character flaws, and if you were to notice anything considered ‘not normal’ please promptly visit the Ministry of Story Characters. After arriving to said building, we would advise you file a complaint on the red document form handed to you from the secretary of the previously stated office building.
    Around ten in the morning Simon finally arrived home from college. Shockingly enough, but not as shocking as you might think, Fig begins to pick on Simon over his apparel. Meanwhile as her diatribe was dying down, Frank was having a fantastic conversation with himself the entire drive home. During this conversation he announced that Fig’s sister, Cherry, was coming to stay with them over the holidays. Obviously no one actually heard this useful bit of information. Simon was already ignoring both of his parent’s illogical inane nonsense anyway.
    Once they finally arrived home, he had begun to stare out of the large windows and wandered around in his mind. He had not seen this wintry scene in a long time. The view was almost blissful. Yet Simon felt out of the loop with his family and really felt awkward being home. We like to think that he was merely having one of those philosophical moments that every human has and he really does love his parents.
    “Simon! I have something to tell you son.” Frank yelled loudly. “We are going to celebrate Festivus this year!”
    Frank then proceeds to enter the closet nearby and pulls out an aluminum pole with a wooden stand on the bottom. Simon was utterly baffled and concerned for his father’s sanity at that moment.
    Simon grumbled. “ Father, seriously, what is that pole even for?”
    “This is in place of our normal Christmas tree, it requires no decoration.” Frank replied.
    We, at the Ministry of Holidays, believe that Frank is well within his reasoning. However we would like the audience to know, that there are other great uses for the aluminum pole instead of the traditional Christmas Tree. It requires relatively no decoration, tinsel is distracting, and aluminum has a very high strength-to-weight ratio. If you do find a problem with our facts, please come down to our office building with your aluminum pole and we will show you otherwise.
    Frank promptly placed his Festivus pole in front of the window that Simon was looking out of. He then went into the kitchen to prepare the holiday dinner special. Simon was waddling back upstairs to the spare room and then he heard his mother screaming. He than ran off into the entryway and saw his mother clenching the walls trying to keep her balance. Cherry had just entered the house and Fig was not expecting her. Needless to say, she was shocked.  
    “Cherry why are you even here?” Simon remarked, as he began to pick up his mother. “Why don’t you help me with Fig please.”
    “So, is this how you greet your auntie pie?” Cherry grinned painfully, and whipped her hair over her shoulders.
    Cherry and Simon helped Fig onto the lounge chair in the living area. Simon could see his father setting the table from the corner of his eye. He noticed how he did not even come to check on his own wife when he heard her scream. He probably just assumed that would be her normal reaction to seeing her sister. Simon still felt repulsed though. We would just like to point out if you indeed felt that Frank was being a bad husband at that moment, you can write an especially rude and hateful letter to the author of this story. We are absolutely positive they will love your stationary and your opinion.
    Simon sat down in a chair opposite of Fig, and began to talk to Cherry.
    “Cherry, why did you decide to visit us this year?”, Simon politely asked. “Did you get into some trouble, or do you really just miss us that much?”
    “Aw Simon, please. You know I care about you, Fig, and Frank. Just...I did just lose my job as a dancer, but besides that I just figured I should come.” Cherry strangely mumbled.
    Simon just decided to scoff at Cherry and tend to his mother. She was beginning to calm down then Frank came into the living room.
    “Dinner is ready folks! Get ready for the Airing of Grievances!”, Frank shouted.
Everyone was bumfuzzled. They, with mild curiosity, followed Frank into the dining area. The next hour or so of the story, we are afraid has been censored by the Board of Story Censorship. They have entailed the list of reasons as; vulgar profanity, loss of sanity for all parties included, certain substances being thrown at other persons, and vital plot information being stated. However, they informed us happily that no animals were harmed.
    “Father! This is it, I have had enough of this! LOOK AT MA!” Simon shouted at Frank, who’s head was now covered in gravy. “MA is crying, and Cherry is drunk out of her mind hanging off of the Festivus pole! Why did you have to pull out your list of grievances at the dinner table!?”
    Frank got up from the table and walked up to Simon. “Because it is Festivus son!” Frank yelled as loud as he could. “AND NOW, IT IS TIME FOR THE FEATS OF STRENGTH!”
    Frank then tackled Simon and began putting him in a headlock. We would like to inform the audience that the Feats of Strength is where the head of the household selects and challenges that special someone to a wrestling match. Traditions say that Festivus is not over until the head of the household is indeed pinned. How lucky for Simon! Simon had begun to get the upper hand on his father,    however he had lost his footing and that caused him to take an elbow to the face. Frank was declared the winner by default.
    Frank won the Feats of Strength, thus ensuring that Festivus returns the next year. Cherry finally regained consciousness the following day and decided to help the family by the selling horrible old IBM computers. Talk about a weird job transition. Fig was happy for Frank’s enthusiasm and Cherry’s luck, however she wondered where Simon went. Luckily for Simon Furter, he hated his family; and, then he made all of them fried eggs with delicious bacon...to slowly clog their arteries and kill them.